Jewish bereavement.?

I work for a fantastic jewish family (Father/wife and three sons). This week, the Fathers Mother died and she was burried on Friday. I wanted to send flowers but was advised against doing so. Similarly I was advised against sending a sympathy card. I want to show my care for the family. How do I do this with their religion in mind?

Jewish bereavement.?
As shalhevet said: Donate in the name of the deceased to a Jewish organization, or a secular one, to some cause, maybe that the deceased would have appreciated. Condolences can be offered, but usually giving to an organization as a means of doing so is better.





If you know the name of their synagogue, a donation to them could be used for any number of charitable causes.


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Reply:You are very kind. Yes, flowers are not sent to the funeral home of a Jewish man, woman or child who died.





Usually the family will sit %26#039;shiva%26#039;, actually a beautiful tradition once you know about it. I wasn%26#039;t Jewish, but my husband is, and that%26#039;s how I learned......





After the burial, the immediate mourners return to a home called the %26quot;shiva house,%26quot; to begin a seven-day period of intense mourning.





This week is called %26quot;sitting shiva,%26quot; and is an emotionally and spiritually healing time where the mourners sit low, dwell together, and friends and loved ones come to comfort them with short visits referred to as %26quot;shiva calls.%26quot;





A person sits shiva after having lost a parent, spouse, sibling, or child.











When family, friends and neighbors help out during the week and provide for the needs of the mourners, an atmosphere of love, caring and kindness is created. This helps to soften the pain that the mourner so deeply feels.








People are confused as to how to sit shiva and how to properly pay a shiva call. Because people do not know, and because talking about death makes people nervous and awkward, the shiva house often turns into a festive gathering filled with nervous chatter, instead of the proper house of mourning.





The laws of mourning have the purpose of focusing a person on their own spirituality. We experience an overall feeling of physical discomfort as we totally focus on the soul of the one who has departed. We de-emphasize our own physicality by not pampering our bodies and mirrors are covered by some.





The overall focus throughout the week is: I am a soul, my loved one is a soul.





If you visit the family at their home during the week of shiva, some food, a desert etc. is an appropriate %26#039;gift%26#039; to bring along.
Reply:as said, I think the biggest thing is just %26quot;being there%26quot;





it might seem weird in a way, but... Judaism has a relatively interesting tradition that allows for a short time of doing nearly nothing but greiving, then working out of that state back into normal life.





you might want to, in addition to just being there, see if you can find a good book about Jewish Mourning traditions. (as its definitely not the time to ask them about it now)
Reply:It%26#039;s really sweet of you. You can of course send a card, and it will be appreciated. The traditional message for the man who has sadly lost his mother is: %26#039;I wish you long life.%26#039;





So you can say this to him, and also write it in the card, along with any other message of sympathy/empathy that you would like to. Please don%26#039;t feel nervous about the religious aspect - you%26#039;re doing a truly human and kind thing, and it will be appreciated as such :)
Reply:You can do either of the following two things: Either go with the family to the cemetery and put a small rock on the tombstone. They must see that you did it.





Or you can make a donation to any institution of charity in the name of the dead woman. Then again, they must know that you did the good deed.
Reply:Sending a card is fine.


We all know people that are not Jewish do not understand %26quot;our ways%26quot; and do not get offended.


What I would do, is send a card and in that card show that you donated something to a Jewish charity in her name. Tzedakah is an important value in Judaism and they will appreciate it.


Here is a website of reliable Jewish charities in case you decide to go this route. I thought I would help you out.





http://www.just-tzedakah.org/





I am sure whatever you do will be appreciated.
Reply:The Jewish religion takes bereavement and respect for the family and the dead seriously.





First off, the first seven days after burial are strictly for mourning. This is called %26quot;sitting shivah.%26quot; Your family might not observe this as much as others -- I don%26#039;t know how traditional or not they are -- but generally bringing them (kosher if they observe kosher) food as they%26#039;re not expected to cook in more traditional sects, telling them stories of the deceased that honor them or remind the family of them are considered acceptable. You don%26#039;t really offer consolation; the grief is too strong - so just be with them (technically, you can offer consolation after the body is buried, but not beforehand, as they%26#039;re supposed to be too shocked to really even know the person is dead). Watch their kids so they might attend to business that needs attending. Donate in the name of the deceased to a Jewish organization, or a secular one, to some cause, maybe that the deceased would have appreciated. Condolences can be offered, but usually giving to an organization as a means of doing so is better.





This is called tzedakah. Giving tzedakah (righteous justice -- often translated as %26quot;charity%26quot; though it%26#039;s not nearly the same as it%26#039;s requirement) is considered much better than flowers.





My Conservative synagogue sent sympathy cards to my rabbi a lot this year - both his parents who were Holocaust survivors died. However, many also donated to the cause of remembering Yom HaShoah (Holocaust remembrance day). Not a lot, but enough to show that they felt his pain.



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